20/03/2015

Periods are a bitch


When your period hits it's like your immediately thrown back into year one where your taught to learn how to recognise different emotions and feelings. I literally wake up and have to think for a few seconds "am I a raging hormonal mess today?". Usually the answer is followed by head thumping the pillow and groaning at the mere thought of having to actually get up, seriously what is life when you cant even stay in bed all day. Why else do I own like 50 pairs of pyjamas.
That morning is usually spent crying into a pillow, binge eating bourbons whilst feeling guilty about eating the bloody bourbons. Oh and if a bourbon so happens as to fall into my tea. 
Well, you don't even wanna know the kind of shit that would go down. 

What a mess.

My ex once said "So when you say your hormonal does that mean your horny" I replied by aggressively shouting "NOO it means I'm ANGRY" Ha well that taught him. Looking back it makes me laugh, boys haven't got a bloody clue have they, blissfully unaware of the complete mind fuck that is the menstrual cycle. 

First there's the food cravings,  I crave everything when I'm on my period, also approximately one week before and one week after. Basically I crave food for 3 weeks out of the 4 every month. That's a lot of my time spent wanting to eat. Mostly carbs, platefuls of pasta, pancakes covered in Nutella, greasy fat chips, chicken royales, all the good stuff. 
If my body wants pancakes at 10pm then that's what it's getting. You just try and get in my way cause I swear to god I am not in the mood. 

I tried to go on the pill to make it all that little bit better. Big mistake. Obvs. Whose stupid idea would it be to pump more hormones into an already overwhelmed cranky hormone intoxicated body, Ohhh, mine.
Whatever you do stay away from Microgynon, it is the devil. 
Did nothing for me but make me feel like an anxious, pathetic, weeping mess. Never again.
The Pill is not a quick fix to get rid of your periods and it shouldn't be treated like one, I was so flippant about it I didn't even really consider it. Having been on it for a year I finally realised I was better off without the damn thing. Oh and wanting bigger boobs is not a valid reason either. If only it were that easy.


You'd think after about 6 years of dealing with this I'd have some clue about how to handle it, turns out I don't. I am not the woman you see on the Tampax advert going bike riding or taking part in the local Pilates class, I'm that little green monster on the Coughonian advert that just seriously gets on everyone's nerves. Whoever said that exercise helps with cramps clearly doesn't get cramps. You try jogging when your womb fills like its gonna fall to the floor. Then the hormonal breakouts, no amount of expensive foaming cleansers will fix this. Spend the money on something nice, it'll make you feel a bit more human.

I do have my ways though. The things I've picked up from my mistakes over the years, like the time I wore a pale denim dress and no tights to college. Then there's time I only packed one extra sanitary towel with me for a 2 hour train journey. Oh and the time I vowed to be healthy a week before it was due. You know those stupid school girl errors that every girl makes at least once in their lifetime.
We learn from them. Eventually. 

- Hot water bottles, I salute them. Godsends, all of them. Who knew hot water in a bottle would be so bloody genius. 
- Understand that the advert pleading with you to adopt a donkey will be more than you can handle (true story) you are not emotionally stable enough and that's okay. It's nice to care about donkeys. 
- A galaxy chocolate share bar is an acceptable purchase, cause let's be honest a small bar is not nearly enough nor does it satisfy as it should. It will make you feel better, it always does. 
- Dark jeans, trousers and skirts are your friend right now and please whatever you do for god sakes don't wear white jeans.
- Take extra tampons or sanitary towels with you wherever you go. You never know what could happen. I mean God forbid you could sneeze!
- Take a moment to appreciate the fact your a) young and healthy enough to even have a period and b) be thankful your not pregnant. See, you feel better already.
- Period syncing with your best friend is a thing, and its like amazing, yet super weird. 
- And finally give yourself a reality check, this is life, this is normal and you will be fine. 

Yeah so basically this whole being a girl thing, I don't think I'm very good at it. 

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